God's Tears
by Rayven Blackwood
Summary: Farfarello reflects on his relationship with his team mates and God. Rated for cutting, dispassionate murder, and other assorted Farfarello-related themes.


God's Tears  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone mentioned in this fic. Farfarello's beliefs aren't my own. Nor am I fit for institutionalization. That's been tried, but I got out on good behaviour ;)  
  
I am a part of this team.  
  
They care for me, show me affection; love me, in their own ways. Just as I love them, in my own. For each, there is a different love. A different kind of caring.  
  
Crawford doesn't understand me. I am a piece of his life-puzzle that he can't fit into place. And thus he studies me, tries to analyze me. Sometimes I am one thing to him, sometimes I am another. My power is what interests him the most though. Unlike what most believe, it is not so base as a complete loss of pain.  
  
To not have pain is to not have sensation at all. How then would God drink from my suffering, if I had none? No, I taught myself how to continue on with the pain, in spite of Him. Crawford tells me that I am a biokinetic. He tells me that I can manipulate my skin, my bones, even my blood. He tells me that I'm good at it. Then he smiles, and I am pleased that he is pleased with me. He tells me that my power comes from my need for vengeance, and I frown at this.  
  
I am not after vengeance. I am after justice. He drinks my pain, and his tears are my rapture. It is not a thirst for revenge. It is a symbiotic relationship built on mutual torment. I am the only one who sees the logicality in this. Crawford then tells me to forget it, that so long as I am happy, he is pleased. So I am happy, for Crawford's sake. '  
  
I am a part of his team.  
  
Shuldig likes to play with me. He doesn't like pain. That's a lie. He likes pain in other people. He doesn't like to experience pain himself. He loves to cause it. Sometimes, he will play with my mind, in such a way that I think I am playing with other people. I can kill them, drink God's Tears in the form of their blood, and be contented, as I know that God is in our relationship, all without leaving our house. I give Shuldig practice, and the exercise amuses me. I can play, without ruining Nagi's tomatoes, and having Crawford yell at me for spreading Tomato Blood across the kitchen. That is, when I don't drink God's Tears from my own skin, which I know makes Crawford worried. He is afraid that I will give up too much to God, and that I won't be able to come back to them. My family.  
  
Shuldig sometimes sits with me when I drink my blood. He knows when enough is too much, and more often than not, he is the one who cleans my wounds. I have him convinced that he convinced me that infected wounds don't hurt God, and give me my life-drink. I let him believe this, because I will not cause my family pain. They are undeserving of more pain than what we all share.  
  
There was a time when I wouldn't have cared, but these men are my family, and their pain does not make God cry. I can see it in us, that we are all marked for Hell. We, and the White Ones, we're all marked for Hell. And none of us care. I am the only one who believes in Him, and He does not take from those who do not believe. He can't. I don't know why, I just know that he can't. Some things even I don't question. Shuldig sees me as some type of pet/younger brother. I know because he tells me everyday. In the way he ruffles my hair, or how he loosens my straightjacket on occasion. That is his affection. That, and he calms my thoughts when I start to think too fast. Apparently I frenzy at these points in time, and that would endanger my family. Shuldig is one of my keepers, but he is also my family they all are.  
  
I am a part of his team.  
  
Nagi, though, Nagi is closest to my heart of hearts. I am one of the few people he is comfortable with, surprisingly. When he needs to, he can control me, which is something that does not happen with the other two. Crawford knows exactly what we are all going to do, no matter when it is. Such is the connection between the four of us, thanks to Shuldig. Shuldig can play with Nagi's mind, and Nagi hates that, so he does not antagonize Shuldig. Shuldig loves him, I know. As a brother. We all love each other in that sense, to varying degrees. But Shuldig still frightens Nagi.  
  
But I, I am completely malleable to him. Nagi loves me, more than the others, and I him. He trusts me, and I trust him, for he is innocence regained. Not the innocence of lambs, who believe utterly and completely, whose Blood is the most beautifully sweet. But the innocence of one who has seen all there is to see, and who can still abhor God's Tears. I know that Nagi does not believe in Him, and that's just fine with me. That makes him untouchable to Him, and gives me piece of mind. So long as none of them believe, they are safe from His lies and deceit.  
  
I am the only one who can touch Nagi. I am the only one who can calm him, when his nightmares attack his poor mind. Even Shuldig is at a loss. Multiple blocks have been put on Nagi's memory, and his shields are always reinforced, but still the nightmares plague him. But curiously, at my touch, in my presence, he is always calm. That is the strength of our connection. I take his pain, because God gives it to him, and I can take the pain that He gives, and give it right back.  
  
We are not lovers, Nagi and I. That is a lie. We love each other, deeply and completely. It may be a twisted, warped, dark love tainted by our own obsessions, but it is a deep love. That makes us lovers. We do not lie with each other as in marriage, though I hear that sodomy hurts God. It is an interesting concept, one that I may try one day...but somehow I think they lie, those that tell me these things. For God tells us to live as we will, but harm none. Or perhaps those are the Gods of Old. I am confused now.  
  
Nagi would die should I die, and I remember that when I am working. By rights, I should be dead, but God needs me too much, for I feed him just as He feeds me. So He gives me the means to live, and I supply the will. It is Nagi who brings me back, I follow the line of our love to his heart, and his power gives me breath, when I am too wounded for my own 'biokineticism' to work properly. Nagi is the closest of my family. I am the closest to his heart.  
  
I am a part of his team. The White Ones I don't think will ever understand my connection with my team. My family. They talk to each other with voices and sound and gestures. But entire weeks can pass between us without a single word, because Shuldig says that having us in his mind is much more comfortable than having a stranger's thoughts intruding on him.  
  
The White Ones must plan their missions with graphs and maps and schematics, but Crawford always knows which plan will work best. And as such no plans are needed. The White Ones rely on their strength and speed. But Nagi could level Japan without much thought. And none are faster than God, for He created speed, and gave me all of His powers.  
  
I am a part of their team. They love me, as I love them. We are one family, woven together by our powers, protected from Him by our own natures. We are one being, on a good day. On a bad day, we are four lunatics who work in sync. We are a family, and none shall harm them while there is breath in my body. And there will always be breath in my body, so long as God lives. We both know that, so there is no problem. We live off each other, in a symbiotic relationship built on mutual suffering.  
  
And, I think, we both like it that way.  
  
-end-  
  
I was reading other Farfarello fics, and this idea kind of came to me. So I wrote it. Muses were on my heels, so it was done in an hour. If only they'd snap at me to get my other Weiss fic done...  
  
-Rayven 


End file.
